My Fellow Americans, Today You Have a Choice.
[A public service announcement]
My fellow Americans.
Today, you have a choice.
I don’t know if you are aware, but there’s an elderly man contest today, and you get to pick whether you like vanilla or orange.
Now, I’m not sure when our electoral process turned into a creamsicle, but it’s entirely likely that this particular one is the least delicious creamsicle you’ll ever encounter.
Once you’ve made your selection, you have another choice.
Do you want to spend the rest of the day in an anxious, knotted-up ball of stress, drowned in cheap wine and greasy snacks, flooding your body with stress hormones and toxins which will lower your immunity to the coronavirus while watching what will undoubtedly be forever known as “the worst reality show ever”?
Or could you find it possible to choose that the results of the 46th national elderly man contest (this year sponsored by Creamsicle (tm)) are largely out of your hands once you’ve made your selection, and instead spend the day in a place of self-care and positivity?
Consider this — you could choose to:
Turn off the TV and especially the Twatter (or is is Twitter? Eh, same thing). Go for a long walk. Exercise. Listen to your favorite music. Spend time talking to friends and loved ones about other things than politics. Hug your pets. Hug someone else’s pets. Hug a random animal you find in the yard (but be careful with trash pandas — they don’t go in for hugging so much). Read. Meditate. Pray. Eat healthy. Love.
You could choose to make every action you take today be one that has a net positive effect on your life.
Look, it doesn’t sound exciting, but vacuuming your home will be better for you in the long run than giving in to the dopamine-fueled mass hysteria tv drug that is about to be foisted onto 300 million + people today. And don’t kid yourself — it IS a drug, and not the fun kind you may or may not have a vague memory of trying in college.
Yes, the elderly man contest is important and yes, there are certainly lives on the line, but keeping yourself calm and healthy and in a place of positivity will allow you to make better choices about how to deal with the outcome later.
If you play your cards right, you could wake up Wednesday morning, turn on the Twatter or the Farcebook, and find out that your chosen elderly man won and all day will be like Christmas. Or you could wake up, fully rested and feeling healthy, find the other elderly man won, and have plenty of energy to begin packing a suitcase, moving to another country, scheduling psychiatric appointments, or planning your revolution. Either way, pretty good outcome and you’ve saved your brain innumerable neurons that would get fried for really no good reason today.
Remember, it’s not your duty as an American to watch tv. It’s your duty to select an elderly man at the polls. If you did that (and had not previously chosen to take an activist or working role in the contest — and good on you if you made that choice and it made you happy), then your obligation reverts back to the pursuit of life and happiness.
Whatever you choose, just remember that the best thing you can do — and the thing you have actual control over — is choosing to take care of yourself first. And please not only show compassion for yourself but for others, because we’re all going through this long national creamsicle enema together.
Stay calm, healthy, safe and stay frosty, my friends! See you on the other side 🤞✌️🙏
